What’s on Ted Allen’s Plate?
Interview by W.T. More

> Top Chef Judge on Bravo
> Iron Chef Judge on the Food Network
> Narrator for Uncorked! Wine Series
> Spokesperson for Robert Mondavi Private Selections
> Author of The Food You Want to Eat: 100 Small, Simple Recipes (Clarkson Potter, 2005)

Q: What’s your culinary background?
A: I’m self taught—mom-taught, really. I also spent a lot of time doing interviews with chefs for Chicago magazine in the mid-90s—the food bible for the Chicago area.

Q: How did you become a TV personality?
A: I had been working at Esquire for four or five years when I heard about an open casting call for Queer Eye. I thought, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot. I think the connection between the producers of Queer Eye and Esquire helped me out a lot—there was a lot of detail work (like how to button your shirt) that I learned from my time at Esquire. They picked me from a casting pool of 500. I thought I was going to go home that night and laugh about it.

Q: What do you usually make for dinner?
A: I love to grill. In fact, Barry and I recently moved to Brooklyn so we could get a backyard for grilling. I love the slow-and-low method—especially for pork. It’s been the summer of slow-roasted pig over charcoal.

Q: What’s the biggest mistake you see people making when they buy wine?
A: Failure to ask for help. A lot of people go into a wine store and buy wine because it’s got a pretty label. Seriously, just ask the wine guys. Their job is basically show and tell—picking a wine, pairing it with food, talking it up. You’ve got the total bores, of course, but there are plenty of people who want to show you they know more than you do about wine.

Q: What’s your favorite wine?
A: A Burgundy Pinot Noir. It’s really elegant and versatile with great fruit flavor.

Q: Let’s be honest. In your experience, how many queer guys need a queer eye?
A: Oh my God, it’s tragic. If you take a look at the International Male Catalog, you’ll see what I mean. They mostly sell clothes (and serve as softcore porn), but the fashion sense is abysmal. I think it’s a myth that gay guys are more fashion-savvy than straight ones. It might be true that gay guys have a greater interest in fashion, but it doesn’t mean they do it right. There are a million label-whores out there who are horribly dressed. I mean, what do gay guys fantasize about? We don’t want guys with eyeliner, we want the boys next door—with some of the excess hair cut in strategic places.

Q: What would you pair with a filet of porcupine?
A: I would never eat a fucking filet of porcupine. What is that? Why would you eat that unless you were lost in the wilderness? I don’t know. Maybe a Syrah to cut the greasiness? Sick. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Q: What’s the food really like on Iron Chef?
A: It’s routinely extraordinary. You’re dealing with chefs who are at the top of their game, so you almost never come across something that’s less than excellent. I think the strangest dish I’ve tasted was a clam flan. Or maybe garlic ice cream. I treat to keep an open mind about these things—it’s part of the drama of the show.

Q: Is there ever any tension between the judges?
A: We love to pick fights with each other, but it’s all in good fun. Jeffrey Steingarten loves to fight with me in particular. I don’t want to sound like Paula or Randy from American Idol—those guys are morons—but I’m not as edgy as Jeff. I think he was a face made for print. 

Q: Speaking of cooking shows, what are some crazy flavors you’ve seen come out of Top Chef?
A: Betty made a green-themed dish once that was almost indescribable—green pile-ness, really. I remember calling it “something she raked up in the yard.” I really try to be nicer than that, but it just was not good. CJ also created something truly awful. He was supposedly inspired by tuna noodle casserole, but what came out was a dish of some kind covered in iridescent bright green … something. It tasted nothing like tuna, noodles, or casserole. It wasn’t creamy. It was just really, really not good.

Q: What are your interview pet peeves?
A: I hate e-mail interviews. It offends me as a writer. If I’m going to sit down and compose an e-mail answering your questions, I’m doing your job. I’d rather talk on the phone and have you write it down yourself.

Q: What are you planning for the future?
A: I’m working on coming up with a great TV show idea—something that has to do with food and pop culture. I don’t have the details ironed out yet, but it’s in the works.

—W.T. More