Last Tuesday’s presidential debate left us with many questions (most of which are probably unanswerable). But we especially have queries about this fellow, who took advantage of a Colorado Springs debate viewer’s contactless pizza delivery order to chow down. First and foremost: Did the black bear complain that the pizza was cold by the time he got to it? Is he furiously penning an inane Yelp review? Why didn’t he opt for local pizza (the pie he devoured was from national chain Donatos)? How is it possible that a literal bear consumed that pizza more politely—one piece at a time—than we do when we’re ravenous? Did Donatos supply a new pie to its (human, not ursine) customers? Do you need to start designing bear-proof to-go packaging (as if this year could get any weirder)? And who would you rather have over for dinner: Trump, Biden, or Papa Bear?
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